What Was I Thinking?

I'm taking 2 and 1/2 online classes. My sociology class is half in class, half online. Hence the 1/2.
I think these online classes are going to be the death of me. But that's ok. I can do it.... right? Some psychology class I'm taking literally might kill me. I'm going to have to be so disciplined for that one. But I can do it.

OK. That was my rant. I'm finished.
Cookies are done. People are finished.
That's what my English-teaching mother told me growing up. So now I say it to myself every time I have to choose between finished or done.
I also sing that Gwen Stefani song every time I spell bananas.

I had a dream about my best friend Kelsi, who is getting married in January. I'm her maid of honor. I dreamed that I couldn't find the right shoes to match my dress. All I needed was black, peep toe, kitten-heals. And I couldn't fit my horse feet into any of them. So Grandma gave me shoes to wear(here we go). They were bright purple with sequins and yellow knitted flowers on them. Grandma loved them(of course she did). And I didn't tell Kelsi about them and just hoped she didn't notice as I walked down the aisle. But she did. And she never spoke to me again.

Then I had a dream Shannon(who's one year anniversary is the same date as my friend, kelsi's wedding) was redoing her ceremony on her anniversary. Which means I had two weddings simultaneously. But shannon wanted me to take the photos for her wedding. Which would never happen in real life because her brother is a phenomenal photographer. But, nevertheless, she did. She game me this camera and yelled at me and told me I "HAD TO TAKE ALL PICTURES WITH THIS CAMERA!" so, I was super nervous. Well, come to find out, the camera Shannon gave me had no film in it. So, none of her pictures showed up. Obviously. And then she never talked to me again.

So I have two brides that I love dearly who had their ceremonies on the same day who never want to talk to me again. It's a horrible feeling to wake up to.

I wonder what all that means? Maybe I just feel like there's a lot of pressure(self-inflicted) to make Kelsi's wedding perfect. And maybe, just maybe, I feel like I might let her down. Even though I know I wouldn't... I would just be letting myself down.

This is all so silly.

I now have to go sit in algebra for 4 hours. I'm less than thrilled.

Killer Monkies, Carl Marx and Disease Infested Birds

I had a super crazy dream yesterday. My roommate, Julia, got eaten by wild monkeys. It was so graphic. I don't think I've ever had a scary dream that graphic before. I want to stop thinking about it.

School is crazy. This is my final week for some of my classes and then I have a few new ones starting up the following week. I have a massive paper due in soc over Marxism. Extremely interesting... yet complicated. Marx is easier to understand when you've had a couple glasses of wine, that's for sure.

I start my classes this week to become a long term volunteer at Crisis Pregnancy Center. I get to sit and talk with women who are debating whether to keep their child or not. And women who recently had miscarriages. I'm really pumped about this. I do wish the classes would start the following week with finals and such this week... but it's ok. I'll manage.

I'm going to the ostrich farm this week with my new friend, Krystal. She's from Louisiana. Her southern personality is refreshing. The ostrich farm is the best $5 ever spent. Those things are vicious... yet extremely entertaining. At the farm, there's this bird room(I hate birds) where you go in there with a little container of nectar and you just hold it and all these birds swarm to you. It's disgusting. I always take people there when they come to visit me. Last time Taylor and Kacy were here I took them and they loved it. Taylor kinda freaked in the bird room, rightfully so, but Kacy loved it. But she's a huge animal person. ick.
The man that owns the ostrich farm is this huge redneck and he's from Oklahoma(shocker) and he went in the bird room with me. When I walked in there, I was immediately covered in birds so, by instinct, I buried my head in my chest. He starts pulling on my chin trying to pull my head up but I won't budge. So he yells at me, "Girl! what are ya gunna do when you got a reeeaaall problem?!" And I said, "This is a real problem!"

Hello. Covered in birds= problem.

So it goes without saying: the ostrich farm produces fantastic entertainment 100% of the time.

I need sleep. Good night.

Rip My Heart Out Why Don't You

My mind won't focus on school today. Which sucks because it really needs to. I have to write a paper on why I chose the life I have. And why I changed my major from Digital Media Productions(aka photography) to Pre-medicine. Thank you Veterans Administration. I have a bad attitude about this paper. I want to say, "I want to be a doctor because I saw the horrible health care you provided for my father and I don't think any person deserves to be treated like that." But that would be ugly. And I know me being a doctor isn't going to change that. And I won't be able to save everyone. There are going to be people I can't provide health care for because of all different reasons. So, realizing all of this, I will write a paper on all the other reasons why I want to be a doctor. I usually don't like telling people I'm studying pre-med because I have a long ways to go before I'm finished and I know that I'm not always the best at finishing things. But I can't focus on my negative qualities. That won't get me anywhere.

God is currently tearing up my soul while simultaneously rebuilding it. He's showing me my wickedness. But I realize I can't stay there long because if I do, I'm not living out the gospel. Because the gospel tells me He is made strong in my weakness. And the gospel tells me I am to live righteously for his pleasure not for the satisfaction of those around me or even to bring self-gratification. I really want to be more authentic. But I want my authentic self to be lovely. But to become lovelier I need to be more honest with myself about the dark parts of my soul. And I guess it's just difficult to do that at times.

I feel like the past few years I've spent focusing on community and loving people and loving God. Which are all beautiful things. But I've forgotten about discipleship and growing in knowledge and understanding of the Word. I'm very thirsty for that right now. And so is our church.

I also want to stop talking about the things that break my heart and start serving those people. So, I've signed up to volunteer at the children's hospital to sit and play with sick children. There are other things I'm going to do because Jesus tells me to serve the least of these.

Mmm Girl. You Shock Me Like an Electric Eel.

I really like the coffee shop atmosphere. I love doing my homework here. I'm at Coffee Xchange, which is the worst local place in town. You're probably wondering why I come here. Well it's definitely not for the coffee. I get an Arnold Palmer(half black tea, half lemonade) every time because their coffee is absolutely terrible. And, honestly, the atmosphere isn't exceptionally great either. And they play horrible music. haha... Why do I come here??? I guess it's because it's always packed with tons of college students. And this is the first time in my life where I actually enjoy being a college student. Not to mention they're open 24/7 which works great for me.

I am really excited about the future. Like really. If I wasn't concerned with random people reading this blog, I would tell you guys all about it. It's really hard for me to keep secrets. The people closest to me know this. If you tell me something random about yourself I will probably tell others because I think it's so incredible. Like I know this girl who doesn't have a belly button and for some reason I feel like everyone should know that about her. Thankfully she doesn't care if I tell. And my best friend. She likes to wear body glitter when she is feeling down and out. It helps her feel better about herself. I love that. Every bit of it. Sorry BFFAEAE. ;-)

Ok, I have a story. The other night my car broke down. I actually just ran out of gas when I was sitting in a parking lot with my car running. I was listening to LoveLine(that detail doesn't matter, I'm just trying to give you a visual). Anyway, I was parked with my car running and it all of a sudden just started shaking violently so, of course, I just shut it off really quick. I didn't know what was wrong. I tried to restart it like 6 or 7 times and it didn't start so I called my roommate to come get me. She laughs at me but of course she comes. We just live like 3 minutes down the street from where I was stranded so I think, "hmm.. it's a nice night out. I'll get out of my car and wait for her." So I swing open the door and BY THE GRACE OF GOD I look at the ground before I swing my feet out and there is a 2 ft long baby rattlesnake! I kid you not! And he was so ready to eat me. He had his head raised. I about flipped. I slammed my door shut and watched it out my window. I was completely freaked. And I hear you have to watch out for those baby snakes because they have more venom. sigh... I could have died.

So when Julia got there I had to climb out the passenger side because I was so freaked out. He sat there for a good 5 minutes(The entire time I was wondering what was taking her so long)just staring up at me hanging out of my window.

So since then I have been so paranoid with walking around outside. Since I've lived here I've only seen like 4 snakes... maybe... sigh. 

ok. I should go. This thing is getting long, I have a feeling. 

Why does it need to be 50 degrees inside?

Oh blogger... how I've missed you.

Life has been interesting lately. I've started school again. I love it. I think I've finally come to the age where I like school. It took me a while(and sometimes I hate that) but I'm glad it finally came.

I'm also on this journey of being healthy. It's difficult because you don't realize all the unhealthy patterns you've created in your life. (You being me in this situation). You don't realize you crave sweets until you take them away. You don't realize how often you eat fast food until you've decided not to eat it anymore. Shannon, I need some recommended reading on the vegetarian lifestyle. Thanks.

I'm going through a transitional time in my life right now. Transitioning the way I think and feel about some certain things. Transitioning relationships I have. Transitioning me literally. Usually transitions are difficult for me, but I'm having a hard time with some of these. Especially the relationships. I've been internalizing a lot lately. Being objective is sometimes hard for me. Sorry-- I know none of this is making sense.

My dreams are becoming more intense and I'm starting to wish they didn't take place anymore. I use to not feel that way. After my dad first passed away I liked the dreams because they were typically just past memories replaying as I slept. And, even though they were painful, I wanted to hold onto that piece of him. Now, the dreams have evolved into painful encounters where I'm screaming at him and/or him telling me to let him go. Stop trying to take care of him. I don't like. I wake up crying a lot. Is this normal? I think so. Until I talk to my mom about it and she buys me books on grieving and wants me to go to counseling. I'm all about counseling, I think every human should go to counseling.... but seriously? I don't know...

I have to go. It's freezing in this library and I can't stand it anymore. I think I'm going to go home and make soup. mmm....

Different Folks. Different Strokes.

I'm dog sitting again. different people. different dogs.
I should make a business card.

There's a lot up in the air right now... so I'm not for sure what to write about because a lot could change.

I watched Stranger Than Fiction tonight. I liked it a lot. Even though I didn't hear half of the movie because I was sitting next to two lovebirds who whispered sweet nothings to one another the entire time. mmm.. loooove it.

i've been sneezing non-stop for about 4 days. I keeping thinking this is going to end. I'm now thinking it will... just not anytime soon.

My dreams have been super weird and vivid lately. I love it. Most of the time they're just very entertaining. Sometimes sad, but usually entertaining. Even the sad ones I like. Like the ones about my dad. I wake up very sad. But it's crazy how precise they are.

I'm now watching the Devil Wears Prada. All I can think of is the Office episode wear Michael watches this movie and then he yells "STEAK!".

I'm tired. I have a very busy day tomorrow that consists of meetings and interviews. sigh... A little nervous, but everything should turn out great. Should.

Dreams, Hair, and Rommates

I'm watching Chelsea Lately-- I love that show. I use to hate it, but when you watch it with Kelsi it is super funny. Maybe she has corrupted me.

I've been having really vivid dreams about my dad lately. When he first passed away I had them all the time. But I haven't had any in a while... But it's been super weird. Two nights ago I dreamed that my dad and brother went camping and my brother let my dad wonder off and do his own thing and then no one could find him. We searched all through the woods to find him but never did. We came across his backpack and found all of his things, but no sign of my dad.

Then last night I dreamed that it was a year later and we still hadn't found my dad. We had a memorial service for him and everything because we just assumed he was attacked by a bear. But I was upstairs in my room and I heard my dad talking to my mom in the other room and it was weird because it really was his voice. And I ran to the other room and swung open the door and saw him standing there with a camo jacket on and I ran up to him and jumped on him and just hugged him yelling "why did you leave me?? why did you leave me??" and he said that he had to but he couldn't tell me why. and then I woke up. And it felt sooo real. But, of course, it wasn't. And I just starting sobbing. It was horrible.

Shannon-- since you often have bizzarre dreams, you should analyze it for me.

So I'm growing out my hair and it's getting pretty long... well, for me. it's a little past my collarbones. Hopefully I can grow it 6 more inches by Kelsi's wedding in January. We'll see. I'm not normally this patient when it comes to growing out my hair.

My roommate gets back tomorrow night. It will be good to see her. Huck will be excited.

ok I'm done.