Rip My Heart Out Why Don't You

My mind won't focus on school today. Which sucks because it really needs to. I have to write a paper on why I chose the life I have. And why I changed my major from Digital Media Productions(aka photography) to Pre-medicine. Thank you Veterans Administration. I have a bad attitude about this paper. I want to say, "I want to be a doctor because I saw the horrible health care you provided for my father and I don't think any person deserves to be treated like that." But that would be ugly. And I know me being a doctor isn't going to change that. And I won't be able to save everyone. There are going to be people I can't provide health care for because of all different reasons. So, realizing all of this, I will write a paper on all the other reasons why I want to be a doctor. I usually don't like telling people I'm studying pre-med because I have a long ways to go before I'm finished and I know that I'm not always the best at finishing things. But I can't focus on my negative qualities. That won't get me anywhere.

God is currently tearing up my soul while simultaneously rebuilding it. He's showing me my wickedness. But I realize I can't stay there long because if I do, I'm not living out the gospel. Because the gospel tells me He is made strong in my weakness. And the gospel tells me I am to live righteously for his pleasure not for the satisfaction of those around me or even to bring self-gratification. I really want to be more authentic. But I want my authentic self to be lovely. But to become lovelier I need to be more honest with myself about the dark parts of my soul. And I guess it's just difficult to do that at times.

I feel like the past few years I've spent focusing on community and loving people and loving God. Which are all beautiful things. But I've forgotten about discipleship and growing in knowledge and understanding of the Word. I'm very thirsty for that right now. And so is our church.

I also want to stop talking about the things that break my heart and start serving those people. So, I've signed up to volunteer at the children's hospital to sit and play with sick children. There are other things I'm going to do because Jesus tells me to serve the least of these.

Mmm Girl. You Shock Me Like an Electric Eel.

I really like the coffee shop atmosphere. I love doing my homework here. I'm at Coffee Xchange, which is the worst local place in town. You're probably wondering why I come here. Well it's definitely not for the coffee. I get an Arnold Palmer(half black tea, half lemonade) every time because their coffee is absolutely terrible. And, honestly, the atmosphere isn't exceptionally great either. And they play horrible music. haha... Why do I come here??? I guess it's because it's always packed with tons of college students. And this is the first time in my life where I actually enjoy being a college student. Not to mention they're open 24/7 which works great for me.

I am really excited about the future. Like really. If I wasn't concerned with random people reading this blog, I would tell you guys all about it. It's really hard for me to keep secrets. The people closest to me know this. If you tell me something random about yourself I will probably tell others because I think it's so incredible. Like I know this girl who doesn't have a belly button and for some reason I feel like everyone should know that about her. Thankfully she doesn't care if I tell. And my best friend. She likes to wear body glitter when she is feeling down and out. It helps her feel better about herself. I love that. Every bit of it. Sorry BFFAEAE. ;-)

Ok, I have a story. The other night my car broke down. I actually just ran out of gas when I was sitting in a parking lot with my car running. I was listening to LoveLine(that detail doesn't matter, I'm just trying to give you a visual). Anyway, I was parked with my car running and it all of a sudden just started shaking violently so, of course, I just shut it off really quick. I didn't know what was wrong. I tried to restart it like 6 or 7 times and it didn't start so I called my roommate to come get me. She laughs at me but of course she comes. We just live like 3 minutes down the street from where I was stranded so I think, "hmm.. it's a nice night out. I'll get out of my car and wait for her." So I swing open the door and BY THE GRACE OF GOD I look at the ground before I swing my feet out and there is a 2 ft long baby rattlesnake! I kid you not! And he was so ready to eat me. He had his head raised. I about flipped. I slammed my door shut and watched it out my window. I was completely freaked. And I hear you have to watch out for those baby snakes because they have more venom. sigh... I could have died.

So when Julia got there I had to climb out the passenger side because I was so freaked out. He sat there for a good 5 minutes(The entire time I was wondering what was taking her so long)just staring up at me hanging out of my window.

So since then I have been so paranoid with walking around outside. Since I've lived here I've only seen like 4 snakes... maybe... sigh. 

ok. I should go. This thing is getting long, I have a feeling. 

Why does it need to be 50 degrees inside?

Oh blogger... how I've missed you.

Life has been interesting lately. I've started school again. I love it. I think I've finally come to the age where I like school. It took me a while(and sometimes I hate that) but I'm glad it finally came.

I'm also on this journey of being healthy. It's difficult because you don't realize all the unhealthy patterns you've created in your life. (You being me in this situation). You don't realize you crave sweets until you take them away. You don't realize how often you eat fast food until you've decided not to eat it anymore. Shannon, I need some recommended reading on the vegetarian lifestyle. Thanks.

I'm going through a transitional time in my life right now. Transitioning the way I think and feel about some certain things. Transitioning relationships I have. Transitioning me literally. Usually transitions are difficult for me, but I'm having a hard time with some of these. Especially the relationships. I've been internalizing a lot lately. Being objective is sometimes hard for me. Sorry-- I know none of this is making sense.

My dreams are becoming more intense and I'm starting to wish they didn't take place anymore. I use to not feel that way. After my dad first passed away I liked the dreams because they were typically just past memories replaying as I slept. And, even though they were painful, I wanted to hold onto that piece of him. Now, the dreams have evolved into painful encounters where I'm screaming at him and/or him telling me to let him go. Stop trying to take care of him. I don't like. I wake up crying a lot. Is this normal? I think so. Until I talk to my mom about it and she buys me books on grieving and wants me to go to counseling. I'm all about counseling, I think every human should go to counseling.... but seriously? I don't know...

I have to go. It's freezing in this library and I can't stand it anymore. I think I'm going to go home and make soup. mmm....

Different Folks. Different Strokes.

I'm dog sitting again. different people. different dogs.
I should make a business card.

There's a lot up in the air right now... so I'm not for sure what to write about because a lot could change.

I watched Stranger Than Fiction tonight. I liked it a lot. Even though I didn't hear half of the movie because I was sitting next to two lovebirds who whispered sweet nothings to one another the entire time. mmm.. loooove it.

i've been sneezing non-stop for about 4 days. I keeping thinking this is going to end. I'm now thinking it will... just not anytime soon.

My dreams have been super weird and vivid lately. I love it. Most of the time they're just very entertaining. Sometimes sad, but usually entertaining. Even the sad ones I like. Like the ones about my dad. I wake up very sad. But it's crazy how precise they are.

I'm now watching the Devil Wears Prada. All I can think of is the Office episode wear Michael watches this movie and then he yells "STEAK!".

I'm tired. I have a very busy day tomorrow that consists of meetings and interviews. sigh... A little nervous, but everything should turn out great. Should.

Dreams, Hair, and Rommates

I'm watching Chelsea Lately-- I love that show. I use to hate it, but when you watch it with Kelsi it is super funny. Maybe she has corrupted me.

I've been having really vivid dreams about my dad lately. When he first passed away I had them all the time. But I haven't had any in a while... But it's been super weird. Two nights ago I dreamed that my dad and brother went camping and my brother let my dad wonder off and do his own thing and then no one could find him. We searched all through the woods to find him but never did. We came across his backpack and found all of his things, but no sign of my dad.

Then last night I dreamed that it was a year later and we still hadn't found my dad. We had a memorial service for him and everything because we just assumed he was attacked by a bear. But I was upstairs in my room and I heard my dad talking to my mom in the other room and it was weird because it really was his voice. And I ran to the other room and swung open the door and saw him standing there with a camo jacket on and I ran up to him and jumped on him and just hugged him yelling "why did you leave me?? why did you leave me??" and he said that he had to but he couldn't tell me why. and then I woke up. And it felt sooo real. But, of course, it wasn't. And I just starting sobbing. It was horrible.

Shannon-- since you often have bizzarre dreams, you should analyze it for me.

So I'm growing out my hair and it's getting pretty long... well, for me. it's a little past my collarbones. Hopefully I can grow it 6 more inches by Kelsi's wedding in January. We'll see. I'm not normally this patient when it comes to growing out my hair.

My roommate gets back tomorrow night. It will be good to see her. Huck will be excited.

ok I'm done.

Dogs, Movies and Mothers

I'm house/dog sitting again this weekend. It is dogfest 3000 at this house. Usually when I dog sit these dogs I'm able to leave Huck at home with Julia, but since she's currently on vacation, I've got all 3. It's pretty insane. And for some reason it's only really bad when it's time for me to sleep. I haven't slept much at all in the last few nights... but sleep seems to be optional in my life.

As inconvenient the whole dog thing is, I actually like staying at this house. My friends that live here are pretty big "movie people". They own many of my favorites. I watched Mona Lisa Smile tonight. I've never seen it before. I LOVED it. Kim knew I would. Oh and Kim, I looked for Notting Hill.... no luck. Shrug. Anyway, MLS is fantastic. I love the reminder that we were all created for greatness. And how all of humanity is connected in that way. There's more thoughts in my head, but I will leave it at that.

I want to thirst for more of Jesus and less of me. I want to be above reproach.

Oh and I also watched PS. I love you(Ive seen it once before... when it first came out last summer). crap. that movie. I bawled throughout the entire thing... entire thing. My head hurts now. Movies like that make me not want to fall in love because I'm scared of losing him. But what is that saying? It's better to have loved and to have lost, then to never have loved at all.....? is that right? sounds right.

I love my mom. I talked to her on the phone forever tonight. She loves me. And she loves to know that I'm taken care of. No matter how old your kids are, I don't think you ever grow out of that.

My best friend from childhood had a miscarriage two nights ago. She was pretty much told her chances of getting pregnant on her own are slim to none. Her and her husband have been trying for three years. She found out 7 weeks ago that she was pregnant. She had only been pregnant for a week when she found out. She just knew. This girl was made to be a mother. I called her when I found out from Taylor and I lost it on the phone. She was consoling me. So motherly. God has a plan for her. I know it. She will have a baby.

Baby fever, marraige, and Uganda.

I'm grumpy today. and very impatient.

I'm in a meeting right now. I absolutely love the people I work with. They make me happy.

My bad mood is actually gone now. We have a funny team.

I'm enrolling for classes today. I'm super excited. more than I know.

Man, I have baby fever like crazy. I am surrounded by adorable children. And I want kids. But the thought of having them right now(even if I were married and all that stuff) is so overwhelming. I wonder if I'll better be ready. Probably not.

My brother got married. Their pictures are cute. Their wedding was private and on some bridge somewhere. I tried to post a photo, but I'm super dumb with computers.

I'm trying to find a job... but aren't we all. I just got offered a job at chic-fil-a. the manager just came up to me and asked where I worked... haha... is that weird?

So, I'm going to Uganda next summer. I'm super excited. I will be working with a medical team. I'll fill you in more when I have more details.

I have to go. Julia is waiting on me.